Neuroscientists in recent studies out of the Matrix Lab in Boston have concluded that Neuroscientists themselves do not exist. This controversial conclusion has been met with shock and outrage by fellow scientists in related fields.

“Some of my best friends are neuroscientists. I don’t know what to think of this,” spoke one cognitive therapist.

“Does that mean a funeral? Are they dead?”, says one child psychologist.

“This is really hard to accept. What will I do?” one behavioral therapist said.

Despite the trouble accepting this conclusion, other scientific fields have reached smaller-scale conclusions already. Geneticists and chemists, for example, have often admitted that lab interns do not exist. “Lower than dirt,” “Not worth my time,” and “Lab monkeys,” they are often called. Senior scientists, however, considered their own existence secure. On the contrary, alleged “neuroscientists” have been showing in other studies that free will, good and evil, and the soul do not exist. Mind, they say, if it is anything at all, is nothing but brain. Conventional beliefs in “mind,” which they term “folk psychology,” are radically misleading, better understood as mindless determinism. “Nature” and “nurture” have forced everyone to “be” and “do” everything they’ve ever been and done.

This recent study just draws the next logical conclusion. All people who thought they were doing neuroscience have been under the false impression that they were using tools, studying data, constructing lab experiments, conducting science, and so on; but since these characters do not have souls, intentionality, free will, or any of that, they are not using tools, they are the tools. They are not doing science, they are being used to do science.

“What is left?” Speaks Dr. Vance Sandler, a research team member. “If our free will doesn’t exist, and the soul is illusion, then you have a complex computer where we once thought there was a human agent.”

Sandler goes on to say, “When things like morality, choice, intention, and all the stuff we call ‘self,’ when these don’t exist, there’s not really anything left to distinguish an individual neuroscientist from electric blips on a circuit board.”

The research team in Boston is poised to present their findings in several journals over the coming months. The team has yet to answer questions from the media about whether reporters exist.